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There was never one ounce of muscle on this body. The definition came from having very little body fat. I was often teased at the beach. I was ghostly white with pronounced ribs, jutting hipbones, and if I flexed, you could count my abs and see my tendons and veins. Ha! What I would give to see those abs again! As the 2000s came around, I was having kind of a mid-life crisis. I was pushing 40 and long gone was my “twinkiness.” I was exclusively watching gay or transsexual videos/pictures. I became obsessed and confused. I’m not sure if I was being brainwashed, but my feminine side was clawing its way to the surface and my thoughts were changing. I knew there was zero chance of ever following through with a transition. Of course I wouldn’t get breast implants. Of course I wouldn’t take hormones. Of course I wouldn’t leave the house dressed like a woman. First off, I’m just too damn shy and self-conscious about that. Secondly, my family is very conservative and I’d be disowned—written. "But, you know, you are wildly popular and very talented. You could easily land a similar gig with a network or something. You have had those offers before and turned them down for my benefit. You don't have to do that now." That's not how it works, son. You see, I had a five year contract I just signed a few months ago. That contract required that in the event the station sold or the role I performed was canceled for any reason, they would pay out that contract as long as I agreed to sign the non-compete agreement. I did, so they paid out my contract, but that means I cannot anchor another news program of any kind for the remainder of the contract period." As far as the money is concerned, we are in great shape. The two things that bother me is that not everyone I worked with are as fortunate as me, so they will be scrambling. The other thing is I am just not sure what I am going to do with myself in the near future. I have always worked. I was proud of what I was doing and felt.
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